Say it!

I just hit a truth.

But before I go on let me say this. 

Once upon a time – in one of my more profound states of mind – I stumbled upon this thought:

“The deepest truths in life are not taught, they are caught. At some point they will just dawn on you in a way that no one could ever have explained it to you.”

Ironically this statement is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Of course, thoughts this insightful don’t come to me on a minute-by-minute basis (but I’m working on that). However, once in a while they do. One just did…

“In the same breath that you speak your dream to another person, you give it life.”

You may have heard a cliché about the importance of talking about the things we want (things like ‘confession is possession’). I know I have, but most times the first time we hear a cliché, or anything at all, we do not fully grasp it. (I believe that is why God created echoes, the opportunity to listen again, to remind us to go back, to search beyond the surface and dig out the substance behind what we have just heard.) 

Think about it. How else can a dream ‘materialize’ before it actually materializes? Before your dreams do come true, the only other way they can be expressed is when you SPEAK them. Think of them as locked up in your mind, and the only way you can let them out is to say them.

Lately I’ve been feeling a bit unsure of what I want to do. Let me rephrase – I know what I think I want to do, but I’m not sure whether:

a. I can do those things (are they within my reach?)

b. I want to do those things (what if I’m making a mistake?)

Also when it comes down to it, I’m awfully averse to blowing my own trumpet, so, when I’m asked – “’Damilola, what are your plans?” I’ll beat around the bush and give a long-winded non-answer. A paraphrase would be: “I want to do something, and just about everything, which is nothing really”. Usually I’ll see the person nod, squint and their eyes will glaze over in confusion. Then I’ll nod my head. Mission accomplished.

But today, for some reason (maybe because I didn’t feel threatened by the person who asked, or maybe because we were the only two in the room, or maybe because God had a lesson to teach me), I answered the question honestly and in detail. My heart literally started to beat faster as I spoke about what my plans were. As I talked, some new ideas even came to me. And then I realised that by keeping my plans to myself I’ve been shortchanging myself. My head is a very great place, but at the end of the day it’s an incubator, a womb. The dream has got to come out after some time or else it will die.

Now I’m not talking about saying your goals to yourself – an affirmation, confession type of thing… I’m referring to saying it to another human being. I wrote earlier about echoes. From my understanding, an echo occurs when sound waves bounce off a surface. Now imagine other people as ‘surfaces’. In order for someone to hear an echo (be able to go back, reflect and dig out more substance from our dreams), Ithe person needs to talk to another person. All of us have a level of insecurity and self-doubt (if you don’t, please email me, we NEED to have a chat), so imagine what it’ll do to you when someone nods and says “that’s a great idea”.

Of course there are some exceptions to the rule of ‘freeing your dreams’. I’ll name three I can think of:

·         You can’t say it to just ANYONE (Please shut your trap in the presence of cynics and people who you don’t trust)

·         You can’t say it ALL (keep some mystery to it)

·         You can’t say it all the TIME (then you sound like a broken record, simultaneously reminding everyone that your dreams haven’t yet materialized)

Keep those in mind, but whatever you do, don’t keep silent. You must hear your dreams echo, and those echoes must give you the strength to forge ahead. You MUST give expression to your dreams.

That’s That!

P.S. On Friday I read ‘The Noticer’ by Andy Andrews. Please read it if you can, and his other books too. The man is brilliant. I’m still processing the book and it’s changing me.

P.P.S. There’s some fiction coming up soon! Enough of the pseudo-inspirational talk and on to the short stories! The thing is, I’m just a teeny-weeny bit shy about sharing them, but we all have to get over our insecurities at some point, don’t we? Alrighty then!

Skin Care & Your Mind - Part II

A few days ago, I threw around some thoughts about skin care and how it relates to the mind. If you haven’t read Part I of this post, please do so now.

Let’s now look at the final step.

Step 3: Moisturise

Three words – Oh.My.God! I used to wonder what all the brouhaha was about the moisturiser thing till I discovered it for myself. Let me tell you an open secret: Nobody’s skin glows naturally. (Yeah, I said it). You know, that shiny thing that celebrities’ skin do? Well, (apart from the foundation, concealer, bronzer, spray tan and God knows what else), it’s called moisturiser. A good moisturiser does two things:

*It feeds your skin with essential nutrients and vitamins

*It protects your skin from the harmful effects of the sun and other aggressors in the atmosphere.

You ‘moisturise’ your mind by doing the same thing, i.e. feeding your mind with positive thoughts. Read great books and magazines. Watch great movies. Listen to great music. Fill your senses with the best and your mind is well on its way to being in tip-top shape. Apart from feeding your mind, you also have to protect it. Just like sunlight and dust are unavoidable, some people and situations will come and try to force the wrong thoughts into your mind. They may try to distract you from the goals you set for yourself. You have to consciously reject these.

A story with a lesson…

When I was initially shopping for a moisturiser, I remember rejecting the cream my regular skincare lady gave me. I looked at the bottle and the ingredients, and I knew something was off, even though it was the same brand as my toner. I went to another store (go Foodco!), and there I found the product I currently use, which, I dare say, has me hooked for life.

About a week ago, I was running out, so I decided to go back to the same shop to get a new one. I searched high and low, but couldn’t find it. A shop attendant came by:

“Please may I help you?”

“I’m looking for moisturiser.”

“Ok, they’re here.”

She pointed me towards a row of creams – skin-lightening aka BLEACHING creams (Why do people assume dark skinned girls are always looking to get lighter? On second thought I don’t blame her. Even our governor is a blatant bleacher.)

I shake my head firmly. “No thanks, this is not what I’m looking for. I’ll check back later.”

The lesson to the story…

You must know what is good for your mind, what has worked for you over time. Stick to it. You may try new things, but only those that feel right to you. Be highly selective about what you allow to enter into your thought space.

In choosing and walking your career path, for example, the people who know you best will assume they know what’s best for you. With good intentions, they will try to share (and may even force) their ideas on you. If you know in your heart that you want something different, IGNORE THEM.

This sounds a bit like theory, so let me get practical.

I recently started doing some work for a company. I love the work, and as of now I am not being paid for it. I spend my own money on internet, transport, phone calls – mostly minor expenses. My mum thinks I’m crazy, and never fails to remark disdainfully about “that guy who’s not paying you”. I effectively tune her out on that, because she doesn’t understand that for me, the reward of this work is beyond the money. For example, within a few weeks since I started, the weight of my network has at least doubled, and I have markedly improved my creative and problem solving skills. Can money buy these? I think not. Anyway, eventually I will be paid, so the cash issue is temporary.

That was a bit of a ramble, but I hope thou gettest my point.

As I said earlier, people and situations will never fail to have expectations of you, but DON’T LET THE SHOP ATTENDANT SELL YOU BLEACHING CREAM BECAUSE YOU'RE DARK-SKINNED. I guess a word is enough for the wise.

Cleanse, tone and moisturise consistently, twice a day, morning and night for a month, and I guarantee that you’ll notice a dramatic change in the quality of your thoughts and actions. Or your money back. Great, healthy looking skin speaks for itself. So does a great, healthy mind.

That’s That!

Skin Care & Your Mind - Part I

Recently I started to consistently take care of my skin, and so far it's clearer than it has ever been – there’s this glow that seems to come from underneath my skin. Eyin peeps please note: I’m not claiming to have skin as great as Beyonce’s o! All I’m saying is that there’s been a huge improvement since I started sticking to my skincare plan.

So Dami, why are you going on about your skin? Nobody cares!

I’m going somewhere, I promise. Before you hit the ‘x’ button on the upper right hand corner of this page, stick with me for a minute.

I’ve been following the age-old, time-tested, three-step plan. It is:

Step 1: Cleanse

Step 2: Tone

Step 3: Moisturise

“Cleanse, tone and moisturise”, I used to hear all the time, but I never gave it any thought till recently when I started it, and damn, that *bleep* works!

Ehen, Dami? What does all this have to do with the price of boli and groundnut?

The other day I was thinking about my skin, and a light bulb went off in my head. If I start to take care of my MIND as routinely and consistently as I do my SKIN, in no time the results will be obvious – I will have a glowing mind!

Let’s review the steps.

Step 1: Cleanse

We need to cleanse our skin because during the course of the day, it picks up particles which clog up the pores.

In the same way, our minds are inundated with junk everyday. Images, sounds, textures, smells and tastes find their way in, and they have a tendency to clutter our minds. Whether you're male or female, you MUST wash your face at least once a day (I hope). Cleansing is a need, it is the BAREST minimum.

How do you ‘cleanse’ your mind? As soon as you wake up in the morning and before you go to bed:

• Think of something you’re truly grateful for, and say a word of thanks

• Forgive & release any grudges you may have picked up during the course of the day

• Pray

The general theme here is to get rid of negative thoughts; to de-congest your mind and fill it with positive energy.

Step 2: Tone

I definitely wasn’t into this skincare step, but the truth is your cleanser will only go so far. Toner goes deep into your pores to clean out the places where soap and facial wash cannot reach. It also tightens your pores, and conditions your skin.

How do you condition your mind to get the best out of it?

• Meditate (on a Bible verse, a quote, an idea). Meditation is simply thinking (and saying) something over and again until it overwhelms you. Meditation requires concentration and effort. But when it is done, it opens up ‘old’ ideas in new ways. It’s not easy initially. There will be so many thoughts competing for your attention. But practice with five minutes, then ten and continue until you master the art of meditation.

• Plan and Prepare: In the same way you do to your skin, you need to condition your mind for success. After you’ve meditated (it could even be during), pull out your vision board, your journal, your laptop or whatever and write down your goals. It could be “send encouraging texts to five friends today”, or “read Half of a Yellow Sun next week” or “buy dream home in two years”. When you plan, take your big dream(s) and give life to them by dividing them into smaller, measurable goals. In this case, smaller goals could be “buy 200 Naira airtime on the way to work”, and “visit Lola tomorrow to collect the novel”, and “speak to mentor next Wednesday about how to increase my income”. Notice that all the goals here, both great and small, have a timeline.

The point of meditation, planning and preparation is to bring to your awareness, thoughts and corresponding actions that will push you forward on your journey to success. I started to do it (slightly) consistently, and I realised that I became more focused and balanced. I would ask myself “does this add value to me? How does this relate to my long-term goals?”

Let me stop here for now.

In Part II, I’ll focus on the final step of daily skincare. It’s even more exciting than the first two! Can you guess how it relates to your mind?

Lights, Camera, Action!

Hello, and welcome to the world of many lights and much camera, but very little action.

We’re so image-obsessed today it’s disturbing. Humans have always felt the desire to be seen and heard, but the internet and social media (Facebook being the forerunner of the pack, with Twitter following closely behind) have taken the fire that satellite television kindled and set the world ablaze. In the twinkle of an eye you can let the world know your secrets and your thoughts, and five degrees of separation has been reduced to nil.

Take the desire to be known and put it together with the platform for doing so, and what you get is a lot of falsehood. There are too many words and too little action - this is the trap into which my generation is falling, myself included. We’re saying things we don’t mean, laughing out loud with blank expressions on our faces, and our wittiest comments are made with our fingers! This is the age where laziness has taken over and enthusiasm has been reduced to half a dozen exclamation marks!!!!!! I dare say we are living a lie and we are in trouble.

I knew I was doomed when a witty thought would come into my head and the following thought would be, “wow, that would make a great Facebook status update”.

You, yes, you with all those carefully selected and touched up photos in your photo albums (and I’m talking to myself too) – who are we deceiving? Bar those who haven’t seen you in the past five years, we all know you don’t look like that now!

And those of us who spend hours on Facebook looking at other people’s pictures – scrutinizing, criticizing, lusting – we need to get lives, or live the lives we already have.

Our generation’s opportunities are exponentially greater than those of the generations before us, and we are wasting our lives in my opinion. I am certainly not anti social media. I appreciate it’s value and the platform it has created for us, but the greater proportion of the world is misusing it. When you have something important to say; a brilliant product to promote, please feel free to broadcast yourself as much as you want to, but if all you want to do is rant about your ex, or tweet subliminal insults to his new girlfriend, please refrain from

clogging up cyberspace.

I reckon that those who are actually doing things are too busy to spend the bulk of twenty-four hours online. A blogger I follow once said (paraphrase) – let’s get off the internet and make some real memories.

To that I add “let’s shut down our laptops (put down those damn Blackberries) and go and get some fresh air! Rest our fingers! See the world! Be all we can be!”

Less lights and camera and more action please!

That’s That!

I Will Not Succumb!

What's it with the heavy pressure on young Nigerian women to get married? I refuse to succumb! I initially brought this up question as a Facebook status update. I used to dismiss the topic as one of the over-discussed. But I must admit, that was before the pressure was getting to me!

A few months ago I was feeling young and happy to be a graduate with my 'whole life ahead of me’. More recently, I started to feel like a ticking time bomb. I must confess I was feeling a little desperate for Mr Right a while ago. I even gave God a ‘deadline’… (Yes o, I’m only being honest). That was before I gave myself a good slap (I literally slapped my own face as I do from time to time). But really, this is an absolutely crazy sentiment because I am just two tens and two units old!

When I was in school I violently dismissed the fact that this pressure existed. A friend of mine spoke of an alumnus who was ‘still unmarried many years after university’. ‘God forbid o! 11 years out of school and she’s not married? *Shock horror!*’

I was always the one who would turn statements like these into arguments. I would passionately state that this ‘ marriage-by-force mindset’ is backward. So what if she’s not married? Why should a woman be judged by her marital status? Why should she be made to feel that the whole reason for her existence is to trade in her father’s last name and begin to manufacture her husband’s babies?

I realise that I may have been in a bubble – trying (too) hard to ignore/deny facts.

I can not speak authoritatively about many cultures, but I know that in Nigeria, a person, particularly, a woman is judged by her marital status, and the number and sex of her children. It may not be the truth, but the cold, hard FACT is that without a husband and children a woman will not be taken seriously. Take two women – Frustrated Married Madam (FMM) and Happily Single Babe (HSB). FMM’s husband would give Tyson and Ali a run for their money. He could also possibly outrun Tiger the ‘Cheetah’. FMM has two beautiful children though.

And then there’s HSB. She comes home to a peaceful, albeit very empty house, where she is free to just be.

Put both side by side in my society and FMM comes up tops 8 out of 10 times. What does that say about us? Quite simply, it says that in our own convoluted, paternalistic way, we are not so different from the big, bad West who we criticize for all our woes. We also value appearances (i.e. our idea of what is good) over truth and reality.

I must commend my parents (for now) though. They have never made me feel this strange, premature pressure. On the contrary, my dad is understandably mum on the subject. I’m sure the notion of his only daughter getting married off will never be a wholly gratifying topic. My mum shakes her head and says ‘Marriage is no joke o, you must get it right once and for all, so take your time.’ Then she goes on to give examples of some failed marriages. Truer words were never spoken.

Still this doesn’t mean that my other family and friends share the same view.

I have gotten lectured, speeched and talked, by older family members. Case in point – my auntie’s response to the said Facebook status update was this: ‘You haven't seen pressure o...just do quick and bring husband, otherwise, the 'real pressure' will mount up’. Hmmm…

However, the crowning glory was one morning at my grandparents’ (I love to stay at their house – I get spoiled beyond belief). That morning I was lying down, reading my bible. Grandma comes in and sits on the bed.

‘Damilola I want to talk to you.’ My heart skips a beat. I sit up, puzzled – I think it’s something serious.

She begins. ‘You know you’re now a big girl. You’re not a baby anymore, ehn. You’ve finished school and if you have someone that you like….’

Ah ha! The lecture; the speech; the talk.

The snag is that I would never ever have expected to get it from my grandmother, at least not yet. It was a full thirty minute speech. She waited for my comments at the end. I simply smiled and said ‘Grandma I’ve heard.’

And then there’s the men! Ha, what the hell! They’re suddenly sprouting out of nowhere with renewed brashness, as if I have desperado written on my brow. Or am I being over sensitive? Please (help me) judge.

One gave me a gift – a Christian book titled ‘The Single Life’ after our SECOND meeting. This first meeting, it lasted no longer than five minutes o, and even then I spent the whole time inching further and further away from his assault-by-halitosis.

And another one. I am walking into UBA House on the Marina, when a Random Young Man (RYM) comes up behind me and grabs at my hand. Imagine…

Me (squinting and frowning in shock, surprise and everything in between): Sorry, do I know you?

I expect him to say something like, ‘don’t you remember me from school/church/somewhere?’ At least I would have been a little relieved. Alas…

RYM (grinning from ear to ear): We entered the same BRT from Obanikoro.

Me (mildly hysterical): You don’t even know me and you just tried to hold my hand!

RYM (still showing his 32): Hope you don’t mind.

Me: I don’t know you!

I start to walk faster. To cut a long, weird story short, he asks for my number and I refuse, still in shock. He explains that he only came this way because of me. I smile and tell him he’s much better off going his way….

With these few points of mine, I hope I’ve made my point.

Another point is….

I want to travel to obscure countries – I want to meet people from different cultures. I want a rich life! Of course I can do this as a married woman but guess what? You guessed right! The same people – grandparents, parents, uncles, aunties, neighbours, family friends, enemies who were singing ’Where is he?’ will change from winking at your face to winking at your belly as soon as you return from the moon. They’ll ask about your health. Which is a (not subtle) way of asking if you don swallow belle. They will not stop! So what if I had put off my dreams and pursued marriage just to please them? I will have to put off my dreams again for the next how many years while I raise children to please them! By then, who knows what will have become of my joie de vivre? Do you catch my drift…

Do not get me wrong o. I want to be married, and I will be. I will make all the necessary sacrifices to build my home and take care of my family. I have strong feelings and no illusions about the idea of being a ‘working mother’, (a view I’ll share later on this blog). But I will do all this at the right time and for the right reasons. I will have the pleasure of knowing that I am giving up/holding on on some goals as MY CHOICE. Not because of the ‘pressure’ from the people around me, but because it’s God’s time.

That’s That!