It's All In My Mind

Because the glass really is half-full.

I consider myself a watcher - an observer, if you like. I see things others don't see, I notice things that other people glance over. I take my time to fully digest and decode every gesture, every word and every look coming from the people around me. As an observer, I tend to over-analyse things, especially when they relate directly to me.

I am also a pessimist, although I am desperately working on this aspect of myself. I constantly feel bad, a bit depressed because of what people around me say and do; things that normally shouldn't even bother me.

Sometimes I wake up and think, what if my friends just start to hate me? What if they see me for 'who I really am', this insecure, uncool, overreacting, klutz? Do any of my friends really love me? If some 'cooler' friends came along would they dump me?

As a pessimist, my mind is trained to believe the worst. In my mind, I'm almost always the laughing stock. I beat myself over the head for the little mistakes that I make. I'm very hard on myself. I put up a front, a joker’s facade so that no one can get a glimpse into my soul.

When I get paid a compliment, I almost never accept it, because I just don’t believe it. I think the person who said it is lying to me. Obviously they want something from me.

I constantly compare myself to others- my wit, my looks, my clothes, my abilities. I always fall short because I focus on what others do that I don’t do well. Then I feel bad, forgetting that there are many things I can do well, that this other person can't. In my mind I'm never good enough. In my mind I'm never pretty enough. I drive myself crazy thinking of all the things that I am not.

But most of the time, I realise, my mind is the one playing tricks on me. I'm the one who blows things out of proportion. I want to be perfect. And that is not possible. I realise that I have to change my mindset. I need to live and let live. I have to let go of the little things, I need to be gentle on my soul. I need to love myself. That's the only way I can grow.

It's difficult. I've had 19 years of doing the wrong things. But slowly I'm rising above my insecurities. I'm freeing myself. I'm beginning to realise that life isn't a competition. Life isn't so hard. It's all in my mind.

©2007, Oluwadamilola Odunayo Oyedele

I Pray

This is not really a poem. It's just some thoughts - I'm channeling some love and prayers.

I pray.

I know very well how you did not choose to be bound,
but this is the battle that HE chose for you.
I pray that one day
you will look behind you
and see your wings,
and that you will have the courage
to fly high
and very far into the sky.
I pray that you will become
all HE made you to be.

Every single one of you.
I love you.

So I pray.

(c) 2010, Oluwadamilola Odunayo Oyedele

This Is Me

Here are some things about me that I couldn’t fit into the ‘About Me’ box. It was lifted from my Facebook page, where I wrote it a while ago. Some of the statements are now out of date, so I made notes below.

1. I am extremely diplomatic. I will almost always tell you what I think you want to hear, except with very close friends, and even then…

2. I have no time for stuck up, self-important fools. Pride is so unattractive.

3. I adapt to my environment completely, i.e. I can change from a very well mannered lady to a total razz mess, depending on where I am.

4. I have the ability to make myself laugh (hmm where have I heard that before?) and I’m okay at making others laugh too. I really admire funny and quick witted people.

5. (Dedicated to name withheld for privacy) I STILL SUCK my tongue and squash my belly button (gosh). Hence I have a belly button shape that ensures that I will never feel inclined to expose my tummy!!!*

6. Coming to university in the town of Ile-Ife is the best thing that has happened to me yet. I have been changed.

7. I am a reader. Avid does not begin to describe how much I read, I read everything.

8. I have the random ability to keep the most random stuff for the most absurdly random time. Notes, pens, pins, etc. Case in point, my (inherited) old faithful journal is now about 9 years old and counting (Can anyone remember the red furry journal with black spots?!) And I very recently lost a pen my class teacher, Mr Olajide, gave us all in Grade 12 (2003).

9. Did I mention that I write too? I’m convinced I peaked in secondary school though. Since then I have attempted several times and struggle to write a coherent piece of literature (not entirely true). I won’t give up trying though. Honestly, sadly, I think I just might make a great editor.**

10. I think mobile phones in general, and text messages in particular are the worst things to ever happen to written English Language. It bugs me when people write things like ‘gud’ or ‘dem’ or forget to put commas and full stops, and I’ll ONLY do some of it sometimes to save space on a text message and immediately ask for forgiveness from the Fathers of English. However I would never be caught dead writing things like “lyfe”.

11. For more than a decade I was convinced that I was born to be doctor. It took two weeks of trudging around University College Hospital, Ibadan in 2003 to burst that bubble.

12. The glass is half empty.

13. My favourite food? I can’t choose! I love food. I love to try new tastes and foods as long as they smell good (no offence to South Africans who think boiled uncleaned intestines of a cow is a delicacy). I also enjoy cooking, but not as much as I enjoy eating.

14. Hence I have the most fluctuating weight ever. I’m usually on a ‘diet’. My mum has told me that my wedding gift from her would be a treadmill.

15. I love God and He loves me. That’s why I am. I believe that one has to anchor one’s life on something solid or risk insanity.

16. My name is way too long. Imagine having to write Oluwadamilola Odunayo Oyedele on every page in an exam. It slows me down!!! The man I marry would have to have a surname that is just as long as or better still shorter than my father’s.

17. I don’t like my teeth thanks to sucking, and will get braces sometime in the future. My parents have ignored all my pleas, threats, and blackmail over the years. “Your teeth are ok!” Humph. That’s just made me more obsessed.

18. I can be really mean sometimes. I’m working on that.

19. I love music. If I like a song, I will play it over and over again for days till it has engraved itself into me. Everything happens to the music in my head, and the lyrics of the song don’t necessarily correlate to the situation.

20. I ‘stab’ way more lectures than I should. I’ve refused to go to lectures today. I can’t wait to be through with uni and all the accompanying guilt.***

21. I’ve inherited a strange ability from my maternal grandmother. When I’m really happy and we’re conversing, I'll pick up the last thing you said and turn it into a chorus. Random!!!

22. My favourite pet is my baby brother Gbemiro. He’s adorable, intelligent and for now he’s still happy to run errands!

23. My few good friends are like my family. I’m not the friend-y sort of bird. I’d rather fly alone, thank you.

24. My favourite quote at the moment is “I have a Bachelors degree in Business, but a PhD in Common Sense” by Ben Bruce.

25. I’m a romantic.

Hope you’ve learned a thing or two!

Hope you’ve smiled at least once too…

* (#5) I literally woke up one day and decided that I was tired of sucking my tongue. I wrote it down in a notebook, and that was it! From that moment I ceased to uglify my face and destroy my teeth by weirdly folding my tongue backwards and sucking on it. I believe that only those who have sucked (fingers, tongue, and other unmentionable parts) will understand how hard it is to stop. But I have. Praise the Lord! As for the belly button… ahem.

** (#9) Scratch that! I am a writer, period.

*** (#20) I’m now through, thank God.

Drumbeats

Before you read this, let me give a rough background.

I wrote this poem at a very trying time in my life. I guess the pain was good because this poem made me really so happy that I desired to add 'poet' to the list of thing I aspire to be. So here it is...

Drumbeats

Drumbeats of my sunrise,

Drumbeats of my past.

The familiar sounds of childhood,

The joys and pains that last.

Whenever I’m awake at night,

And as I drift across the day,

The steady beats lurk in the crooks of my mind,

I constantly hear them play.

The familiar rhythm of these drumbeats,

They take me on my journey,

As the steady beats go on I recognize

My very enthralling story.

The twists and turns of this enchanting tale,

I can interpret most of the time,

Like when the beat becomes a wanton wail,

As the drums slow to a woeful whine.

At times the beats elude me,

They become a strain to hear,

Or I cannot make out the complicated clatter

Which begin to fill my tiny ears.

No matter how hard I strain to make sense

Of this seemingly melodious rumble,

The beats, they elude me and seem to be

Surely enjoying my perplexed anxiety.

Other times my drumbeats get too loud,

I cannot bear to hear them.

Or is my conscience constricting my capacity,

As it blocks out the mocking jeers?

These drumbeats, they seem to tell, again, of times gone very far,

Of the stings that never dull – the strikes, prickly as a stare.

So I try to block the tempo’s shout,

Hoping that with time, the beats will die out.

The simplest are the ones, those beats,

Which make me grin and cackle as I listen.

I so want to tap the solemn stranger beside me,

And share the magical rhythm.

The perfect pulse, at the perfect volume,

These beats are especially pleasing,

But I cannot take note of them for long,

I’m inclined to lose myself in their unrealistic song.

So contrary to what may seem clear,

My most enchanting rhythms,

Are not the thrilling thumps the drumbeats make.

They are the mystical tempos of foreign lands,

Strokes of alien journeys I am yet to take.

I have never heard these beats echo, yet they hold the greatest allure,

They are the drumbeats of my sunset,

Drumbeats of a future pure.

© 2006, Oluwadamilola Odunayo Oyedele