Brand Church (from Y! Magazine, July-Sep 2010 Edition)

 
Hello people, a while ago I put out a link to the teaser for the first article I wrote for Y! Magazine. Below is the FULL article. It's a laugh, if I may say so myself! Please read, comment at the bottom and follow my blog, thank you! That's that folks :)

Brand Church

Welcome to the world of this new generation of God-lovers

Permit me to (mis)quote a famous pig: “All churches are cool, but some are cooler than others.”

It’s strange when you think of it. A little over a decade ago, the words ‘church’ and ‘cool’ might never have been used in the same sentence. If you asked some random person to describe a young Christian, she would get back to you with ‘a dull, self-righteous individual with a fishy odour”, a member of “that bunch of frustrated people.”’

Within the past few years however, devotion to church has become a trademark for this generation of Nigerians; in their 20s and 30s – even 40s. ‘God time’, also known as Sunday morning, is (mostly) permanently booked in our diaries. The biggest churches across the country have high proportions of young members, who boldly claim to be Christians, and no, they are far from frustrated.

So the question is: what novel ingredients have been injected into the religion bowl of soul, making attendance at some churches so acceptable; even fashionable?

Let us upgrade you

In a society where the Blackberry, Brazilian weaves and a Bourdillon, Ikoyi residence are clearly defined rungs on the social ladder, it’s no wonder that young people flood churches that have a look and feel that reflect good taste.

These places have become more than just churches. Their auditoriums give off a carefully designed ambience; with light and sound equipment that outclass the average Nigerian social theatres. “Too much swag”, is what one well-known TV presenter calls it. Even the style at today’s trendy church is edgier than it ever dared to be.

There’s no better day than the Lord’s Day to parade our finery, and constructing an outfit for service is not to be taken lightly – Sunday’s Best now has a literal meaning.

A recent visit to one of Lagos’ hipper churches was a revelation. Though the hall was surprisingly bare in décor, behind the podium was a fusion of steel, glass and Plaster of Paris that changed my idea of the word ‘backdrop’ for good.

Not too shabby for one of my personal favourites. Daystar Christian Church, with its Senior Pastor Sam Adeyemi is one of those you love to love; with a keen sense of practicality, messages grounded in common sense, and those perfectly sliced 5-services-per-Sunday, there is no surprise that the likes of comedian Teju Babyface and the young posse from the banks and oil firms find it a haven.

After our service, we – friends and I - loitered outside one of the church’s several entrance/exits, watching people as they hurried in for the 10:15 service. This shoe lover couldn’t help but notice a pair of sexy heels strut past. Authentic gladiators, you had to remind yourself you weren’t a guest at Bella Adenuga’s wedding.

Smiling, my friend had a quick comment: 

“In my church you can decrease your local content and increase your global content. You can upgrade yourself.”

 I looked at my sandal-clad feet. Well, this wasn’t my church after all.

Twinkle twinkle, Jesus star

So music is a language we love, and what better place is there to groove than in the House of God?

There is that ‘gospel’ song that reminds us that that “in (God’s) presence anything goes”. Indeed, at contemporary churches, members are fully encouraged to express themselves in song and dance. It doesn’t matter how you do it, just praise God! After all, King David danced till he stripped himself naked.

“In my church, the praise and worship is exceptional. The way we sing our songs is different from other normal churches”, Seun Olagunju told me. He worships at the House on the Rock, arguably the coolest worship centre in Lagos, at least based on celebrity wattage. Nothing less is expected from a church that hosts some of Nigeria’s top crooners, including Timi Dakolo, Kefee and Sammy Okposo and the rest of the jet set from Uche Nnaji (you know him from Ouch!) to IK Osakioduwa, who used to be called the Wildchild.

Indeed, many of our cool churches – This Present House, the Redeemed Christian Church of God’s ChristChurch and City of David (which now has the ultra cool youth church JoshuaVille), maybe even Winners Chapel - have clusters of well-known actors, artistes, politicians and business moguls.

“On the flip side,” Timi Iriri, of the Family Worship Centre in Abuja, where its no-nonsense leader, Pastor Sarah Omakwu, only adds to the ultra-cool appeal (Darey Art-Alade and others who attend surely add star dust though). “For the cause of the evangelists of the word, it makes life a lot easier when you can point to celebrities and other successful people who take God seriously.

“I remember when my mum used to try and get me to attend MFM (Mountain of Fire and Miracles Ministries), she would say ‘is that not the church Levi Ajuonuma (who used to be on TV) goes to? And I have to admit it made it sound more acceptable.”

Speaking about MFM, the church where the famous Jenifa (Funke Akindele) is known to attend, forgive the ensuing wise-crack, but it’s difficult to attract any cool points when you are known for prayers about fire and death. With a brand new youth church however, where the rules on not wearing ear rings are looser, the potentials are now limitless.

Label me Cool

Over the period in which ‘cool’ and ‘church’ have come to be used in the same sentence, our pastors have been hard at work. Gone are the days when the Sunday sermon equalled a quick snooze. Ministers have improved their approach to the delivery of the Word. It is no longer strange for Christians to speak of branding and ‘packaging’ being as important as content. After all, the bible says faith without works is dead.

Talking about pastors in jerry curls and cool cars is now cliché – we already all know that our God is not a poor God. The now catchy sermon titles however are another matter entirely.

“Some preachers go as far as bringing props to the stage!” Frances Okoli says with a laugh. Maybe even a laugh tinged with jealousy. After all, his is an anonymous Catholic Church somewhere in Ibadan. Nowhere close to the church of Assumption, or Ascension. Not even the popular St. Dominic’s in Yaba, Lagos.

He is however on to something with the props. After all, the jokes about taking the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary to any Kris (notice the ‘K’) Okotie sermon at the Household of God church in Ikeja, Lagos are what shot the comedian AY to superstardom.

There’s also an unmistakable tone of God-inclined motivational speaking, perhaps growing from a keen (and not altogether undesirable) understanding that in a society where we don’t trust anyone – our leaders, the economy, our friends, even ourselves – the desire to hold on to a higher power can be the more practical option.

‘Power-packed’ special programmes for singles, entrepreneurs, teens and young professionals are presented in catchy phrases and even catchier invitation cards rivalling those for the opening of lingerie shops on Karimu Kotun.

And, learning from the genius of Daystar, services have also become surprisingly shortened in length. ‘Unnecessary bits’ have been cut, bringing the average service to about two hours, with a choice of services from as early as 6:00am. The shorter, the better.

We need to get on with the last day of the weekend after all.

Single… and searching?

Above all, church is still the best place to find a “good thing” i.e. a wife for men.

It always has been. Mothers recommending that their player sons settle down with a good woman in their local church (the village really no longer makes for sensible advice they have come to accept). But these days, boys and girls are trooping to church themselves.

We might now have Twitter and Blackberries, but our society is still well with Queen Victoria when it comes to marriage, thank you very much.

The twenty-something year old wakes up the day after her graduation and as if on cue, aunties, parents, long-lost acquaintances and even strangers are now winking and smiling: “Where is he? When are you bringing him to meet us now?”

Since our church leaders discourage young people from being ‘unequally yoked’ with unbelievers, and they try their best to provide an excellent pool of godly, upwardly mobile singles in their assemblies.

Few will admit it, but friends still share tells of wistful look at pretty ushers and still single pastors (and don’t get it twisted, if Covenant Christian Centre’s Poju Oyemade is your pastor!). Virginity is still a cardinal branch of the gospel, and the new gospel is that the best way to avoid the ‘sin of the flesh’ is to hook up with a brother in church who can easily be reported to the pastor if his hands get too high up your skirt.

In any case, have you noticed that these days ladies and gentlemen now give testimonies of keeping their virtue that are laced with giggle-accompanied confessions of ‘smooching’ and ‘cuddling’. Maybe this is what TY Bello means when she sings ‘Freedom in your maker’.

  

Total Package

It’s a long way since those (God bless them) corny songs on Sister Act. No longer is it difficult to be a Christian, in fact these days you are more likely to be taunted if you don’t go to church on Sunday. I mean, what’s your excuse?

Of course, at the end of the day, when you ask the thousands who profess unshakeable love for God on their Facebook status updates (right after using the ‘F’ word), what drives their devoting to the things of the Kingdom, they would quickly deliver a passionate “oh, I love the deep teaching of the Word” or “In His presence, there is just a purity”.

And indeed, there are many who would lay down their very Prada shoes for the Kingdom (take a trip to Believers Loveworld at the University of Lagos any day and see) and they take tithes and offerings as seriously as your buddy in the seminary, but it certainly cannot hurt that there are so many cool churches that offer a full package that’s hard to resist.

Can you spot the latest trends, interact with upwardly mobile singles, mingle with the stars, bop to the latest pseudo-gospel tunes and hear an uplifting, eloquently delivered speech for the price of a trip to your local place of worship? Your church is definitely cool.

But don’t turn up your noses just yet. Say what you will about Pastor Chris’ (Oyakhilome) dramatic worship sessions and the all-white suits, the impact he is making on the lives young people across the country is nothing to joke about.

And perhaps at the end of the day, beneath all the snide talk and the smart comments, that’s really what matters: are lives being changed in these churches? Is religion guiding the right choices on things like sex and money? Are people living their lives based on that cool pay off What Would Jesus Do (WWJD)?

The answer just might be a yes – and if it is, then Jesus would certainly approve. Y!