It's All In My Mind

Because the glass really is half-full.

I consider myself a watcher - an observer, if you like. I see things others don't see, I notice things that other people glance over. I take my time to fully digest and decode every gesture, every word and every look coming from the people around me. As an observer, I tend to over-analyse things, especially when they relate directly to me.

I am also a pessimist, although I am desperately working on this aspect of myself. I constantly feel bad, a bit depressed because of what people around me say and do; things that normally shouldn't even bother me.

Sometimes I wake up and think, what if my friends just start to hate me? What if they see me for 'who I really am', this insecure, uncool, overreacting, klutz? Do any of my friends really love me? If some 'cooler' friends came along would they dump me?

As a pessimist, my mind is trained to believe the worst. In my mind, I'm almost always the laughing stock. I beat myself over the head for the little mistakes that I make. I'm very hard on myself. I put up a front, a joker’s facade so that no one can get a glimpse into my soul.

When I get paid a compliment, I almost never accept it, because I just don’t believe it. I think the person who said it is lying to me. Obviously they want something from me.

I constantly compare myself to others- my wit, my looks, my clothes, my abilities. I always fall short because I focus on what others do that I don’t do well. Then I feel bad, forgetting that there are many things I can do well, that this other person can't. In my mind I'm never good enough. In my mind I'm never pretty enough. I drive myself crazy thinking of all the things that I am not.

But most of the time, I realise, my mind is the one playing tricks on me. I'm the one who blows things out of proportion. I want to be perfect. And that is not possible. I realise that I have to change my mindset. I need to live and let live. I have to let go of the little things, I need to be gentle on my soul. I need to love myself. That's the only way I can grow.

It's difficult. I've had 19 years of doing the wrong things. But slowly I'm rising above my insecurities. I'm freeing myself. I'm beginning to realise that life isn't a competition. Life isn't so hard. It's all in my mind.

©2007, Oluwadamilola Odunayo Oyedele